I've thought often whether I should share this particular journey to-date, tired of recounting my story over and over again but here goes. My mother has been battling cancer for two years and the last six months have been very intense for myself and sister. Yes, I must admit I grew and still grow tired of the “Oh dear” OR “Oh I'm so sorry, or gasps of “how sad.” I am respectfully grateful for all messages of concern and thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for their offers of support and a shoulder to cry on but I ike to keep things real. This is part of a process that needs to uncurl because the outcome has already been set in place. The situation now is that we make our mother as comfortable as possible and support her as much as we can. This is a very intense time going up and down between hospice and hospital on the other side of town, but it is something that has to be done and for me I go into my place of meditation, exercise and music and being in constant and deep connection to source.
Yet this journey has thrown up some rather emotive experiences. One that moved me until I wanted to bawl, but one where I was still not ready to fully let my tears go was when my mother finally blessed my union with my fiancée on Saturday.
So for the first time, maybe ever for me, my mother actually held my hand tight and in a loving way and prayed. Yet it was when her tears started to flow I could feel the energy behind those tears, an energy which said “I wish I could be alive to see my daughter get married” an energy which carried pain which said “I wish I had done this sooner and had gotten to know my daughter more.” I was able to read her energy which read into so many more things that were going on in my mothers heart and for that alone, I wanted to bawl because within the pit of my stomach I could feel a ball so tight and burdened even I was not able to cry, yet I also knew this was her offering of peace and a love she had not often been able to express and I accepted that energy because it was time to. Also to compound all this being highly intuitive on many levels I can feel, see and sense, thoughts, emotions intensely and have been experiencing much of my mother's journey even when not physically around her.
It's often hard for anyone to really understand the depth at which I truly operate. I love deeply, I hurt deeply, I love passionately, I operate at an intensity at times that is beyond the reach of many and yet it was when another intuitive individual said to me on Sunday “Esther you have to learn to lean more on your partner and you have to cry, cry out the pain that has been sitting in you for so long a time. The pain of being accepted by your mother and how you are feeling her and all the emotions that had come up and for the first time in your life, in a crisis situation, learn to lean more into someone because he is there by your side.” Always being “strong” as others see me, I often fall into my pattern of just getting on and doing what needs to be done. Often times people have called me a warrior and for the first time in her life, Esther had to learn to still be the warrior because this does not just mean to fight but to stand strong in self, but also I had to learn to become vulnerable and know that it would be ok to be in that space.
Yep, always something to learn isn't it. You think you know who you are on one level and then the universe/God/source throws something at you and you then have to decide do I catch this? do I hit this? do I run after it? Or do I just let it fall? And in that space of thought, you realise that however you choose to address what comes at you, you can guarantee that in some way something in how you perceive life will change.
I certainly recognise and know that I have grown so much more stronger within myself these past few months. I feel solid, like an Oak tree, needing nothing other than the sustenance, guidance and strength from source and at every step of the way the more I go within, is the more I am prepared and know what is happening. This often unfolds in my dreams at night and in my visions and it is such a wonderfully strong place to be, but I have to learn to share this space more with my significant other. Many lessons for me here on many levels yet this learning is and has become as fluid as the ocean. I don't police myself anymore, I just trip into the process of awareness of what i am feeling, I assess, I take action and then I keep on moving and there is such a great sense of peace throughout this whole process as well.
Sending love to one and all always
